Confessions....

This isn't exactly what I had in mind for my first blog entry...but I have a lot I need to get off my chest and process. This is going to be a rambly post for sure!

Sigh...where do I even start!

The problem is I am ALWAYS thinking about something, the wheels in my head are always turning and I never let my mind rest. So, several million things go through my head until I can't take it anymore and think I need to put it all out on paper and therefore I sit down to try and blog to which of course nothing comes to mind or if it does there is no way it would make sense to the reader.

But, I'm going to give it a shot...here are a few of the things I have been pondering lately...

I have been thinking more about marriage and of course I do want that someday but I thought I needed to make a list of every reason why I wanted it and why it should be now or rather sooner than later. I have yet to put it on paper, but every reason I came up with in my mental list was selfish. Every single one. And that is nuts to me considering I am around lots of married people, recovery talks about the reality of marriage as well as Chandler. And I know in my head that marriage is for sanctification, and the purpose is to serve not go in expecting to be served (even though hopefully this will happen and of course there is joy in marriage as well). This was just one reminder that I am still sinful in my thoughts, desires etc. even though I "know" what the right thing to think and desire is.

Second, I have been thinking about grace lately and my sin and how that works. So I was thinking to myself, I am going to mess up, sin in some areas more than others over and over again before my life is over. So, when that happens all I have to do is confess it to those I walk with and then recieve God's grace. That is correct, but I did leave one little detail out...This was one of those moments that Chandler talks about when God totally interupts your thoughts because they are very far off from the truth. Yeah, as clear as day I heard God say "What about repentance". Oh yeah!!!! The seriously laying down of whatever struggle before the Lord and humbling myself before Him begging and pleading Him to take it from me, yet if He doesn't actively taking steps to not do it again. Uh...I don't think I have ever done that! I have gotten really good at confessing thanks to recovery and having an amazing group of friends, but repentance...not so much....

On top of all that... I have been going through this biblical counseling training at church. It is not me being counseled but rather trained in order that I may do some lay biblical counseling at the church and in every day relationships (discipleship, nothing more than what every believer is called to do). Well the first section (8 chapters) was nothing new to me, I really felt like I knew and understood everything the class was teaching, I was praying against pride and praying for the ability to really hear and learn anything the Lord had for me. I was begining to think the class was a waste of time until section 2. It started off with practical how to's for meeting with someone in a counseling format. Then it got into specific sins people have and how to point them to the truth. The first chapter like that was on addictions, I was in Germany and have not gone over that in detail yet to catch up but I am sure it will kick my but and I will have to blog about it as well. The second one was on anxiety and oh my dear!

First, let me say I was reading an article from chapter 10, one of the ones I missed while I was out of town and it was entitled "How to counsel the "psychologized" counselee". Immediately several people I know who are psychologists came to mind and those who think medicine is the only answer, right and wrong is determined for each person etc. However, as I read the article, the name they used for the example might as well have said "Erica lynn Martinez". I have never read something so descriptive of me. This girl, sabrina, finally resorted to seeing a biblical counselor after going to a psychotherapist for 4 years, her mother made her see the biblical counselor. She had a copy of a worldly psychology book, and she expressed how much she loved reading books on codependency, or books about personalities because she felt like she found herself on every page. That is exactly why I love to study personality stuff. It's because when I read that my particular personaility is prone to anxiety and depression and likes to be neet and tidy and on time, I get to jump for joy and just relax in the fact that that is who I am, right? WRONG! Not everything about me is a sin, but depression is, and anxiety is. And it's not ok to just accept those things as part of me. That is not repenting. That is not actively putting my flesh to death through spiritual disciplines. CRAP!

OK, back to anxiety. This is a sin that is so often overlooked or at least not though of to be "that big of a deal". For example, if someone says "oh that makes me anxious", or "I'm just dealing with a little bit of anxiety" that is totally fine and acceptable and no one thinks twice about it. However, one could not say "that makes me want to murder someone" or "I'm just dealing with murder." But it is just as much a sin as anything else. And what I am so loving about this "biblical" counseling training is that it is filled with so much scripture and it shows and tells you what is at the root of all the sins that are so common among everyone.

At the root of anxiety is self protection. Bottom line, we either get anxious because of what people will think about us so we are trying to protect our reputation or "save face", we are afraid of losing something dear to us, and/or our lives. Essentially we are saying, Preservation of self is the chief aim, not the Glory of God, Self is the most trusted person, not the person of God, and Earthly comfort is the good thing, not the will of God. WOW!!! I have never looked at that being the root. And therefore preservation of our self and believing these things are absolutely a sin that needs to be repented of.

Another thing I have been noticing are my priorities. I have been chalking some of them up to my "personality" for example--always wanting to look nice, be on time, have a clean environment, be social--either in person or through networking (facebook/email). Now, of course none of these things are bad in and of themselves...however they are horrible when I place them in front of spending time with God, in the Word, praying for others, and really studying for the biblical counseling. I have found that Internet/facebook/and social events seem to be the number one priority. Next I would say would be my looks--taking too much time on trying to figure out what to where how to do my hair, putting on makeup (again it's not bad to want to look presentable but when that comes above having a quiet time in the morning, it does). And usually I get nothing else done past these two things because I run out of time. But in the rare times where I don't need to get ready to go anywhere and when I am caught up on facebook and email so I then sit down and have my quiet time/study the word/pray? NO...THEN...I all of a sudden notice how dirty my room is and how much laundry I have to do and I either do that or get overwhelmed and go to sleep. And I never get the room as clean/organized as I want because I run out of time or check my email just one more time, get distracted in any way etc.

This is why I haven't been in the Word and getting as much out of the class as I need to be getting. And this is also why I haven't experienced a change or closeness to God as when I first came to the V and went through recovery. Well, guess what. When I came to recovery, and the V I had been brought to a place where I was desperate, so I stopped pursuing all the things that were distracting me and I chased God so hard. And guess what He was faithful to me. And ever since He has brought me so far it's like that was good enough and I think I am done or something. I know there is much more that needs to be done and I do want to be so much closer to Him. See, I say that, but then my priorities are clearly saying otherwise. I just wish all the disctractions would go away on their own, it wasn't me having to actively ignore them and make the choice. But how fun would that be for God if we pursued Him only because there was nothing else to do. hmm...

I want to run away and go teach overseas for a year or something, I just feel I need a change. Well, changing my environment doesn't make my sin go away, because hello that is me and me goes with me wherever I choose to go. I'm not going to talk about whether or not going somewhere is right or wrong, but I for sure don't need to do it just to run away and expect life to be so much easier and me all of a sudden be so much more desperate for God. Unless of course I go back to China or some other 3rd world country, I would be desperate.

I also want a best friend. That seems like a reasonable request, however what I want from that may be a little crazy, I miss highschool days where no one had any responsibility besides getting homework done and hanging out or talking on the phone. I had a best friend then and we talked everyday and hung out almost every day. Then I had a friend named Erica and we were tight and we had so much fun and then we lost contact somehow. Then I got a best friend at my daycare job but my time there was over and she also got another job an hour and a half away. So, it seems like I have best friends for a season and then somehow we drift apart. I found Erica on facebook and I was SO excited to find her and messaged her how I have missed her, she wrote back but didn't say we should hang out or anything...sigh. And she doesn't have the same beliefs and stuff so she isn't that good of an influence, but it's someone I am close to and feel like I can tell anything and I can call whenever etc. Hmmm...that sounds like what God wants to be in our lives. But for some reason I want a human who also messes up rather than God, but God will never leave me or hurt me or do something not for my good.

Another idol is image. I am sure vanity fits in here somewhere, but it's more than that for me. Sure I like to look nice when going to church or hanging out with friends, part of that is because since I am a nanny I have very few occasions where I do get to dress up and look nice. But, it's more so about always "looking" put together. If I showed up and it looked like I had a rough day then people would ask questions and I couldn't keep up the mask. This is why I don't work out that often because I have to allow time to work out but then also time to get put back together before whatever event I have next. Also, there is so much time in between blog posts because I can't get on and ramble and let everyone see my thoughts that don't have answers because that again would show people I don't have it all together, so I wait and word vomit once God does show me what is going on.

I also like to be on time and not that that is bad, but it is when that just adds to my appearing perfect. Last night I was typing most of this and because repentance is the goal of all of this confession. I actually tried to take a step in the right direction. Instead of catching up on email and facebook during the 2 hours I had before homegroup last night and spending time looking pretty, I just showered and got dressed and then came on here to process and get my thoughts in order so I can better share with the ladies who walk through life with me.

When I got to homegroup it's like my body was literally shaking because this anxiety came over me because I was going somewhere for the first time unprepared or not as put together as I would have liked to be. That is proof that our literal flesh will show signs of anxiety at times but that we should die to our flesh and not let it control us. So I go in and someone did notice that I looked tired or something....sigh. This is going to be a hard idol to die to.....

Now that I have chosen to confess all of this that means I have to repent of them as well. I just have to take one day at a time and not just assume I will eventually fail and therefore never start which means I fail because I never get started...here's to repentance! God help me!